knowing the size of your shadow

So, I have been watching this series on Netflix, “bloodline”, which is not half bad by the way, and it got me thinking...

It’s about this big, seemingly perfect, rich-ish family, which is deeply dysfunctional in a (literally) criminal way. And there’s this brother, the second oldest one, who’s supposedly the good boy, the reliable husband and father, the considerate and obedient son, the embodiment of trustworthiness and decency and honour and whatnot. And he takes upon him all the troubles his siblings face or create, all the worries and guilt of his mom, all the bad deeds of his dad, the responsibilities of his own family and job (and he works for the sheriff’s office) and basically the guy carries the weight of the world on his shoulders! Until...  nah, I’m not gonna give you any spoilers!

I kinda identify with that behaviour... I used to carry the weight of the world... I used to be the one grabbing every responsibility would come my way, no matter whose it really was, and make it my own... I used to think that all the problems of my dysfunctional family were mine to solve... and I suffered for years from this behaviour! Because, evidently, I could neither control nor solve everything! And as I was watching the hero in the series doing the same thing, I realised why he does it (and I guess why I did it too...): he does it because he thinks he casts a shadow much bigger than he actually does! And that all the mishaps of his family are within this huge shadow that he casts and therefore his to bear! He thinks that everyone else is in his shadow! And therefore he must help/protect/untangle them even though they are all fully grown adults! And they act pretty stupidly, might I add!

Well... I don’t do this anymore. I stopped some years back. I guess therapy has helped. Maybe the hero of the series would benefit from it too... Now I know exactly how big a shadow I cast and I can tell you that it is as small as if I’m standing right underneath the sun at midday! No one else exists within my shadow! Yes! Realising my insignificance has freed me from the burdens I was carrying most of my life! I’m not that important! I’m not a giant! I’m tiny! I’m an ant! I’m not responsible for everyone... in fact I’m only responsible for me (and Lucifer, as of late). So, I guess knowing the size of our shadow is important, “better than shoes” even, since it is perhaps the only way we can stop thinking others are within our shadow and stop carrying everyone else’s problems... me thinks...

a weekend with friends

 I’ve had a marvellous long weekend! A “better than shoes” weekend! A weekend with friends!

No, obviously I did not travel, my traveling days are long gone and I don’t even know when I will get back on a plane and out of here... like most of us, I stay put, I stay safe and I protect my fellow humans any way I can during these unprecedented times. But, I decided mid-week to take Friday off, just because I needed a break and the weather was going to be nice and... well, because thank goodness I could! I slept till late and did nothing except going to the supermarket around noon, then had lunch and took a nap and then I ordered some sushi (ok... lots of sushi!) and my darling friends S and K came over for dinner and G&Ts. It was lovely! I enjoyed as always our conversation, how relaxed I’m with them because, really, they are family! Lucifer loves his “uncles” and he’s very sociable and he did not even jump on the table! That well behaved! So, all in all, a great Friday! 

Then I had a “sweatpants’ day” on Saturday, did some laundry and watched Netflix (“Ratched”, very good by the way) with Lucifer, which is always a good plan for the weekend. And with awesome company, too! Luci was a true angel all day! 

And today my dear friend E came over for a proper Sunday lunch, something I hadn’t done in a very long time! I had not seen her in ages and she had not yet met Lucifer and we had so much to talk about! Which we did while eating chicken stew with rice cooked in the sauce (it turned out delicious, I was really proud of myself... plus, there are leftovers 😉). And then we had our coffee and tea and played with Lucifer! Wonderful! A sunny Sunday afternoon with a good friend, a long chat and once again a relaxed atmosphere! And now I’m chilling on the sofa, writing this, while my darling cat is taking a nap by my side. Sweeeeeet! 

So, overall, as I said, a marvellous weekend with friends, at home, safe but also so enjoyable! It is possible! I know that we are all exhausted from the social distancing and the restrictions and the fear and the isolation but we have to keep trying, we must protect the most fragile ones amongst us and, at the same time, we must “feed” our souls with some pleasant moments so that we recharge our batteries and can keep going for as long as we must. Let’s hope not for long, of course...

ode to Lucifer

I know what you must be thinking... that I have turned into a crazy cat lady and from now on I will only be writing about my cat because, let’s face is, he’s what definitively is “better than shoes” in my life. Well... if you are thinking that, keep reading this blog and I hope I can prove you wrong. Not because I will not turn into a crazy cat lady, I guess that ship has already sailed, but because I do believe in my heart that “better than shoes” stuff are going to keep coming in my life and I will be able to see them and appreciate them and share them with you 😊

However, since this has been a year of slim pickings when it comes to positive experiences (yeah... there’s no point denying that...) and I have promised since I started this blog to only write about the good things, “bear with me” for the time being as I share with you the one truly amazing thing I have in my life right now: Lucifer’s love! (...as I write this, he runs like crazy out my bedroom to the living room, just to remind me that, yeah, he is a kitten and he has his moments of madness...)

How do I know he loves me, you may ask... well, I do! Because he shows me!

He shows me he loves me every chance he has! He shows me he loves me when he purrs just by sitting next to me on the sofa while we watch “RuPaul’s Drag Race”. He shows me when he follows me around the house, very interested at every little, mundane thing I do. He shows me when he falls asleep on my desk while I work in the morning because he just wants to be close to me. He shows me every single night when he sleeps next to my head and licks my nose when I wake up in the morning, patiently waiting for me to open my eyes even if he’s hungry. He shows me when I hold him in my arms like a baby and he caresses my face with his paw. He shows me when he slowly blinks at me (these are “cat kisses”, did you know?). He shows me when he trusts me enough to let me touch his forehead with my forehead. He shows me when he brings his little plastic mouse to me as a gift.  He shows me when he waits by the door for me to come back when I go to the supermarket. He shows me he loves me when he feels I’m not well and he pokes me to see if I’m ok like yesterday when I had a sudden drop of blood pressure and I had to lie down... or when I was crying the night my mom died and he put his paw on my shoulder, like an old friend comforting me, although he knew me for less than a month... 

He shows me he loves me. He does not say it but then again... words are just words and I’ve heard my share of fake “I love you”s in my life... Lucifer, he shows me he loves me in his own way and it is crystal clear. And “better than shoes”.

Ps. He just came back and settled on the nightstand... he will fall asleep there and, in a while, still half asleep, he will move next to my pillow... night-night...