Saturday, 4 July 2020

perseverance...

There’s a quote which I think is attributed to “Rocky” (but last week I watched it and was not there... eh... there’s another, what, 5? 6 films?...) that goes “it doesn’t matter how hard you can hit, what matters is how hard you can get hit and still keep moving forward”... I like this quote. I also like “Rocky”.

In the last three years of my life, I have been cheated upon and lost my partner, family and friends that I had for more than a decade. In the process, I haven been disrespected and shamelessly lied upon, I have been pushed over my limit so much so that I almost lost myself, I have been gaslighted to think it was all my fault and, on top of that, I have been asked to just accept my ex’s “polyamory” as the new norm. I respectfully (to myself) declined. And then I had to live with “them” shacked up over my head on top of seeing them everyday at work. 

At work, I have been bullied, pushed to “produce” at an unbearable pace, I have been discriminated against, constantly unappreciated and often undermined and I even had my work “checked” by an A-male, who had absolutely no authority to do so, merely because what I was saying was not accepted by another A-male. By the way, I was correct. Because or work stress, I have endured so much physical pain it almost drove me to suicide and I had a severe burnout, staying locked inside my house for months. And that was before the lockdown. Which came along with me catching “the bug”, so I was (yet again) sick and scared and alone. I have struggled with the news of my mother being diagnosed with cancer and not being able to even go see her due to the damn virus. I have been rejected by some people I thought were friends, even my own brother just because I did not praise him for the first time, I have seen dear friends suffer without being able to help them, I had a car accident, I had my dreams and hopes shattered in a million pieces again and again and I have hit my funny bone more times than I can remember!

But... I’m still here! I’m still moving forward! I have persevered! I have not given up! Exhausted? You bet your Louboutins I am, but I ain’t dead yet, bitches!! I can definitely take a punch, I know that now! And I know that perseverance is better than shoes! Better than any shoe! And that in the end it always gets rewarded because just the fact of having persevered is a great reward on its own! The bell just rang again for the n-th time, I’ve been hit more times than I can count but I’m still in the ring and I’m still standing! That’s something! And not merely standing, I’m once again seeing the bright side of things, I’m hopeful for the future and forever grateful for my amazing friends who stand by me through thick or thin! I even have a bunch of new projects in mind! See, the thing is... life is not easy for most of us and there will always be times we feel we just want to give it all up but... don’t! Just don’t! Persevere! Rise above the swamp, smile in the face of disaster and keep moving forward! In the end, it will all be well and if now things are not well, it’s not the end 😉

Tuesday, 2 June 2020

human touch...

What I have missed the most these last few months is the human touch... as a single woman, living on my own, I have relied for the better part of these last two years on my darling friends to fulfil my need for a hug, a pat in the back, for an “up top” even... and they have been always generous with me, knowing that it took me many years of growing (literally and figuratively) in order to learn not only to accept to be touched, let alone be hugged, but appreciate the actual healing powers of the human touch!

Too “new age-y” for your taste? Yeah... for mine too but, damn it,  it’s true! I have witnessed it first hand! I know what good can a hug do, I have felt it! And as someone who denied the existence of feelings for about two and a half decades of my life, (fun fact: I was just stuffing them in a box I kept locked... you can guess what happened when the lock broke from the inner pressure... was not fun), when I say “I have felt it”, you may rest assured that it was more real that the sun in the sky! I kid you not!

So yeah... the human touch... it’s been months now that I have been paddling along without it... it’s been lonely and difficult and it has made me realised, yet again, how great and necessary and important it is... definitely better than shoes, in every way!... And today I got some bad news... really bad news... it appears the universe is not yet tired of serving me one pile of s**t after the other but that’s a story for another time... when I got that text, I was with my darling M, the “little sister” I never had and have been blessed to find here... and when she heard the news she said “oh, sis... and I can’t even give you a hug” and she was devastated as she said it! Because you see, we met each other today for the first time after months and we were very carefully practicing the social distancing thingy as we should... and it was heartbreaking... that moment was heartbreaking for both of us...

So we must get out of this bloody situation we are in now! “We” as in “the world”! We have got to find a way to get to a state that we can hug a friend when they need it! We have to start shaking hands again! We have to stay in touch! Literally! Otherwise I see no future! For humanity, that is! So, please, pretty pleeeeease with bells on top, dear scientists, find a way, find a cure, find a vaccine that will allow us to be human again! And if there’s anyway I can help, just tell me! 

Thursday, 23 April 2020

it’s the little things....

It’s been two weeks that I’m without any symptoms.... ooooops... I forgot the “previously, on Nina’s life” for those who don’t read this blog as often as they should (shame, shame... but do feel welcome and loved)... well, I’ve been sick with what looked dangerously like this bug that’s going around... the one that everyone is talking about... and I lived to tell the story 😊 I’m out of bed and into the kitchen/living room/office. Yep. At this point it’s difficult to know whether I work from home or live at work. My precious separation of personal vs professional life has gone out the window... even though I try to hide work stuff when I’m done working... But, ok, I have accepted 2020 as the year that’s going to teach a control freak like me to live, and strive might I add, without any control whatsoever over absolutely anything!

And, after more than a month of complete isolation and misery, yesterday I went to work! Meaning, I actually physically went to the building that houses my office! I absolutely needed to in order to be able to continue to work from home. And I did it. Every precaution taken. The skin on my hands is sore from washing and disinfecting them more often it can take and I maintained social distancing completely. That was not difficult, the place is a ghost town. The weather was fabulous, as fate would want it we are having (missing?...) the best spring I can  remember and just to get properly dressed and be out and drive and have a destination and a purpose, even if it was work, on a day like yesterday, was such a treat! I felt human again! I felt I was getting back my optimism (yes, even someone like me, loses it in times like these...). I felt... joy!! Pure joy!!

Now, it was not much, I know it. I’m not delusional. But I figured, if I don’t celebrate the little things and wait for the major blissful event to happen, I might be left with nothing... so, I choose to praise the little things, like going to the office for an afternoon on a sunny day during a pandemic that has isolated us from practically everything and everyone. I choose to see these little things as “better than shoes” and share with you. I hope you can agree on the merit and I hope you too can spot little things that give you joy and  celebrate them 😉