Sunday, 19 August 2012


I still remember a conversation I had with best friend Anna some 15 (or more... when you get into the double digits, it's hard to really remember...) years ago about being the loved one's (call it boyfriend, partner, husband, whatever...) first priority... I was telling her in tears that I was not D's priority and that I needed it so much... and when she wisely asked me "but, why?" I remember answering in painful honesty "because he is my priority and if I'm not his, then I am nobody's priority"... Though "D" was not worth it for many other reasons, as proven not long later, not having me as his priority was not wrong... what was wrong in that picture was I not having me as my priority!

I changed that. True, many years have passed, I have had a lot of help and it took a great deal of effort, but I did it. And no, I have not become a selfish, heartless bitch, I still care a lot about other people, all the more about the ones I love, even if they don't entirely deserve it sometimes (yep, you know who you are and what you've done...;) and I do everything I can to keep them happy and accommodate their needs. I love people. But I also love myself. And I am my first priority. Life has taught me that most likely no one else is going to give me this place and I owe it to my self to take care of me. I need to make sure I am well. I needed to learn this and I did. And I believe it has made me a better person, less dependent, less needy... and more giving as now I manage to keep a balance and not always feel deprived of attention and empty... I have more to give now that I reserve a bit for myself.

I have been fortunate enough to not have lost myself in a relationship for many years... Having grown up I tried and managed to maintain my equilibrium, my individuality and my priorities straight... true, not without a cost, people don't like it very much when I say "no" to them... but they too have the right to say no to me and I have no option but to accept it. When the other's needs conflict with mine, I don't always give in, I learned to put boundaries. I learned to take care of me. I don't need to be someone else's priority anymore, I am mine. And that is better than shoes.

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