telling people how you feel...

 I read the other day from ”WordPorn” on insta that “telling people how you feel is the most difficult thing ever”... yeah... it is... I belong to a generation of women that was brought up to never show (much less talk about...) emotions. And it took many years of growth, and therapy, in order to learn to actually share my feelings. And still I am not good at it... but I try, even if I do it clumsily at times. Because good feelings should be shared to flourish and grow and multiply and bad feelings should be shared so that they don’t stay inside and rot and poison us.

This, is not really a “better than shoes” post... in all these years I keep this blog, I have tried to only write when I can write about something that has made me happy... so I hope you will allow me this exception... today, as I write this, I’m sad. My mother passed away yesterday after a short battle against cancer. This new reality has not yet sunk in... I woke up this morning and my first thought was “my mom is dead”... and although those close to me knew that we always have had a rocky relationship, she was the only mother I ever had... and now she’s gone and all the things that she said or did that hurt me or made me angry, I already miss... I miss her...

But... there is a silver lining even to this dark cloud... a few months back, in the beginning of this surreal year and unbeknownst to us of course that she would have such a short time to live ahead, we had a long conversation and I poured my heart out to her... I talked to her about all the things that were burdening my heart, the good, the bad, the ugly... I spoke about things I had never found the courage to speak before... or I had never been able to put into words before... and no, it was not one of those movie moments, for starters it was on the phone so no tearful hugs in the end, but it was honest and it was about everything and I remember having slept like a baby that night, after our three-hour phone call, for the first time in years! My heart was light because I had spoken and she had listened... at least I choose to believe she did.

So, now that she’s gone, I have no regrets. Nothing was left unsaid. I am in peace. Sad but in peace. And although I’m not a believer of “she’s in a better place now”, I’m glad her struggle has ended, that it was not a long one and that she was not in pain in the end. And that, before it was too late, I found the courage to tell her how I felt... and that, I think, is “better than shoes”...

lucifer atticus parks

 ...is my kitten. We are living together now for two weeks. He is a British shorthair in blue colourpoint, all white with only his tail and paws in that amazing deep grey of his breed. His eyes are the lightest turquoise, almost silver. And, before you start asking, no, I will not be posting photos of him here. Here... we write and read. But I sure will be writing about him because, and although I do not let him near my shoes (I mean... com’on...he chews on everything!), having him in my life is the best thing, the best thing really, that has happened to me in a veeeeeery loooooong time! 

When we arrived home two weeks ago, with him all terrified from the trip and me heartbroken because of his crying all the way, he run under my bed and would not come out not even for food! I thought I had traumatised him and he would hate me for the rest of his life! I was so wrong... here’s what happened: at about 11 in the evening, after I had my night routine (you know, brush my teeth, put on my night cream, that kind of stuff...), I went to bed. I put “Friends” on Netflix because... oh well, who needs a reason for a “Friends” rerun!... and as I was watching, thinking that Lucifer would never ever get out from underneath the bed, I suddenly see him seated at the edge of the bed looking at the TV! A tiny white fur-ball with pointy ears looking at Rachel and Ross! 

That same night, he slept next to my head and every time I turned  he would come and give me kisses! And ever since we sleep like this (ok, except for one night, poor thing had gone mad because of the awful heatwave and because of tiny flies in a plant... they bugged him senseless!) after having watched an episode of “Friends”. We wake up together early, take our breakfast and then he keeps me company all day, when I’m working, when I’m cooking and eating, when I’m taking a nap, when I’m watching Netflix... Yesterday, I was having a rough day and as I was laying on the sofa in the evening, he came to lay really really close to me and put his paw over my tummy... yep! He hugged me! 

Now, if this all is not “better than shoes”, I don’t know what is!! Right?! 

Ps. He just woke up... he was asleep on the coffee table in front of me and now he’s seated next to me looking at what I’m doing... I told him I’m writing about him ☺️ 

 

perseverance...

There’s a quote which I think is attributed to “Rocky” (but last week I watched it and was not there... eh... there’s another, what, 5? 6 films?...) that goes “it doesn’t matter how hard you can hit, what matters is how hard you can get hit and still keep moving forward”... I like this quote. I also like “Rocky”.

In the last three years of my life, I have been cheated upon and lost my partner, family and friends that I had for more than a decade. In the process, I have been disrespected and shamelessly lied upon, I have been pushed over my limit so much so that I almost lost myself, I have been gaslighted to think it was all my fault and, on top of that, I have been asked to just accept my ex’s “polyamory” as the new norm. I respectfully (to myself) declined. And then I had to live with “them” shacked up over my head on top of seeing them everyday at work. 

At work, I have been bullied, pushed to “produce” at an unbearable pace, I have been discriminated against, constantly unappreciated and often undermined and I even had my work “checked” by an A-male, who had absolutely no authority to do so, merely because what I was saying was not accepted by another A-male. By the way, I was correct. Because or work stress, I have endured so much physical pain it almost drove me to suicide and I had a severe burnout, staying locked inside my house for months. And that was before the lockdown. Which came along with me catching “the bug”, so I was (yet again) sick and scared and alone. I have struggled with the news of my mother being diagnosed with cancer and not being able to even go see her due to the damn virus. I have been rejected by some people I thought were friends, even my own brother just because I did not praise him for the first time, I have seen dear friends suffer without being able to help them, I had a car accident, I had my dreams and hopes shattered in a million pieces again and again and I have hit my funny bone more times than I can remember!

But... I’m still here! I’m still moving forward! I have persevered! I have not given up! Exhausted? You bet your Louboutins I am, but I ain’t dead yet, bitches!! I can definitely take a punch, I know that now! And I know that perseverance is better than shoes! Better than any shoe! And that in the end it always gets rewarded because just the fact of having persevered is a great reward on its own! The bell just rang again for the n-th time, I’ve been hit more times than I can count but I’m still in the ring and I’m still standing! That’s something! And not merely standing, I’m once again seeing the bright side of things, I’m hopeful for the future and forever grateful for my amazing friends who stand by me through thick or thin! I even have a bunch of new projects in mind! See, the thing is... life is not easy for most of us and there will always be times we feel we just want to give it all up but... don’t! Just don’t! Persevere! Rise above the swamp, smile in the face of disaster and keep moving forward! In the end, it will all be well and if now things are not well, it’s not the end 😉